Monthly Archives: October 2015

Living With A Yogi

The great baseball player and Hindu philosopher, Yogi Berra, is known for his whacky word ways. He’s attributed with saying  “It’s déjà vu all over again.”“If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”;  and “I really didn’t say everything I said.”

I married another Yogi with this talent. Though she doesn’t try to copy the original, my wife really did, well, say everything she said. Using her brand of invented words and mixed metaphors, here are her classics.

Kristine once proclaimed she was ferenzic, which was her way of combining frenzy and frenetic.  It's used to describe wildly frantic court evidence.

Do you need more kick for the word truly? How about adding in reality to form her new creation in truality.

Kristine exclaimed, “I’m adamnant about that!”, not content with merely being adamant. I think having damn in the middle of a word always makes it better.

When fixing to fry bacon she asked, “Do we have a skiddle?” You guessed it—on the fry she had combined skillet and griddle. Who knows why she didn’t say grillet instead.

"You need a thermomostat," she told me while feeling my forehead. I guess she wanted to measure my temperature and then reset it to a more comfortable level. I proudly replied, "I'll have to renumerate on that", which is Kristine's word for ruminating while enumerating.

She also mixes metaphors, which is as easy as (and more fun than) shooting fish in a barrel of monkeys. In Kristine’s world, sometimes things can turn on a nutshell, which I guess is what happens if you didn’t fall far from the acorn as she once said of me. I consider myself fortunate that I did not just fall off the turnip tree like some other bloke she described, for then I would be a weak link and need to be plowed-under. Kristine's brain is packed with nut and edible root references.

Do you want to smooth things over after an argument? In Kristine-speak, that’s called mending bridges, which is much better than burning fences I suppose.

Then there was the time she advised me how I could solve my problems: "You could kill all those stones at one blow!" Yikes! It seems there's an old German fairy tale about a tailor who's preparing to eat some jam just as seven flies land on it, and he manages to kill them all. Right. Even I don’t get it, and I didn't just fall off the turnip tree.

With my added commentary, here are some of her other misappropriated malapropisms:

When you toot your own horn too much, you get egg on your face.

     This is why I don’t eat while driving.

I’m overscheduling my plate.

     The downside of having too much food on your calendar.

We’re living on thin ice here.

     It's better than walking on borrowed time.

You gotta make hay while the getting’s good.

     Then we must get while the sun shines.

(Incredulously, about a TV show): It’s beginning to get near the edge of the valley of no return.

     (I’ve got nothing.  Just.  Nothing.)

If you’re afraid of doing something new, just get the virgin out of it!

     Why men will sometimes, under the right circumstances, make an effort at newness.

When it comes to not wasting water, I’m a conversationist.

     Talking about conserving water speaks louder than actually not wasting it.

He talked your foot off!

     Then he stepped on my ear.

Don’t be putting me in a peg hole with a square knot!

     Awkward misuse of geometrically incompatible resources.

You came through that with shining colors!

     I guess I'm just a flying example of shining colors.

I love your perspection on that subject.

     I have perspective AND reflection on many subjects.

It’s always good to get rid of dead baggage.

     And it's healthier than carrying around extra weight.

He has good language-ing skills.

     Yogi would agree.

Brigham Young was a philandthroper.

     As both a philanthropist and a philanderer, he wasn’t afraid to get the virgin out of it.

Did you leave your tea in the kitchen undrinken?

     Yes, sorry.  I have bad language-ing skills.

We have to live our lives while we’re alive.

     Or be plowed-under early if we're weak links.

They get the bloody seconds.

     Some movie theaters don’t rate the first-run slasher shows.

That’s not worth a pot to piss in.

     Even if we had one.

It's like the Alaskan outbush in here!

     Or the Australian bushback.

I could have gone off half-cocked. By the way, that’s not a euphemism; it’s just an expression.

     One man’s euphemism is another’s substitution of a more vague expression.

(Regarding the light snowfall):  It hasn't been very precipitous this year.

     Thank God for the lack of steep and dangerous snow depths, huh?

You know, God speaks in metaphors, so I’m in like Flint.

     At the end of my head, I’m still trying to get the day around that one.

I guess now you’re on the other edge of your coin, wise guy.

     Before that I was on the flip-side of my seat.

I tend to over-extenuate myself.

     I tend to under-valueize my less serious circumstances.

That's extrenuous!

     Extraneous AND strenuous!

That's feckle!

     Feckless AND fickled!

Would you please numb-out the TV?

     Yes, if you'd kindly mute my toothache.

When you work for a real estate title company, you get bombasted by everybody!

     Damn those pretentious bombastards!

It's not worth beating our heads against a bush.

     Or in beating them around a wall.

This show really separates the ones who will get through the crisis from the ones who will not get through.

     Not exactly succinct, yet satisfyingly mutually-exclusive.

I don't like to press the envelope.

     And I don't like to push the outside of the issue.

Look at her!  She's a nemesis of her own self!

     Plus, she's like a weird caricature of her many rivals.

We turned over a new lease on life!

     It's better than continuing to rent that old leaf.

My brain doesn't work as well as it used to.  My thinking comes in spits and farts.

     Just yesterday my own drool and flatulence came in fits and starts.

I don't like to purge on TV series.

     And I regret binging on burritos.  It gives me spits and farts.

I'm going to get up now.  If the coffee is ready, that'll be a point in your direction.

     And if you let me sleep-in, that'd be a move in your favor.

I didn't wake up with much vim and vinegar today.

     It's better than waking up with a strong vigor to piss.

If you don't do your Yoga and walking excercises, you're asking for fire!

     So if a Guru lights a candle, is he playing with trouble?

I got a $400 Christmas bonus!  It was an unexpected downfall!

     So would paying taxes be an expected windfall?

I took a page out of your book and ran with it.

     Or you could just get a ball and learn a valuable lesson from it.

If you keep on that way, you'll be cooking like oil!

     As long as I'm not burning with the midnight fire.

You're almost 60.  It's my job to wean you into the next decade.

     Yes, and please also help me ease off the ice cream.

I've got some Hyper-Metaphines you could take for your headache.

     Not yet approved by the FDA, but you can get highly-active Hyper-Metaphines from Mexico off the internet.

You can't take both Cold Pills and Ibuprofen unless they both don't have AnaCetaPhetamine in them.

     Although a dangerous cocktail that can elicit a side effect of grammatical negatives, you can also get AnaCetaPhetamines from the same website.

I don't feel right today.  I think my electrolytes can't even be off by a microscop.

     Take a teeny tiny dose of AnaCetaPhetamine dissolved in Gatorade twice daily.

We could get Streptatosis from that filthy sink!

     Every new disease has to start somewhere.

Let's get some of that good artesian bread.

     Or some of that sub-surface sourdough under its own natural pressure, freshly baked by skilled artisans.

I love my new phone; I can attach those cute emotiums to my texts!

     Yes, but remember that a few emotive words speak louder than 1000 smiley icons.

I think I have some hereditarial defects.

     Well, as long as we're making up words, I'm sure you also have some defectual relatives.  Looks like you didn't fall far from the acorn your own self.

Can you encapsulize that for me?

     No, but let me summulate it in a neat little microscop.

She really let the ball fall apart.

     And on top of that she let the things drop.

This storm's going to be bad because there's so much wind in the air today.

     And the weatherman also said there would be a large chance of scattered water in the rain.

In these Presidential debates the Media is just fanning the fumes.

     And wouldn't we all prefer that the candidates were quickly overcome by the flames!

You'll just have to see if I'm up to the mustard.

     I've also been wondering if you could cut the task.

(Remarking after brain surgery): This extra hole in my skull causes a lot of subterfusion in my head.

     A natural consequence of an expedient and evasive surgical technique that leaves one not quite up to the mustard, subterfuse-wise.

Hey, don't share stuff you write about me.  I don't want to be defaced again.

     Excellent advice: we should all think twice before posting disfiguring words on deFacebook.

Even though I never met the great Berra, I feel like I know him well, that he speaks to me every day, and that I can’t escape his paradoxical influences.  Or as Kristine put it, “It’s a Catch-22 all over again!”