Long ago, in the Land of Monsters, there lived many children. These were not ordinary children. They were unusually terrible, badly-behaved children with rotten teeth and rancid breath. But the children were happy because they could do whatever they wanted to do all day long. Their favorite thing to do was eat adults–all kinds of adults. Sometimes the children cut off the arms and legs of the adults and fried them in the fat of other adults. Sometimes they had boiled adult eyeballs for dinner with heaping mounds of ear wax smothered in ketchup. Sometimes they had Great Uncle intestines stuffed with old Librarian liver and steamed Police Officer brains. Sometimes they had stir-fried Uncle chins with a side of Great Grandmother toes and baked Stepmother knees for dessert. The children ate friendly adults, happy adults and sad adults. They ate rich adults, poor adults, and even adults without arms and legs who barely made a decent meal. These children were always hungry for fresh adults. These children were Zombies.
Everything was fine for many years, and then the children noticed that it was becoming harder and harder to find tasty adults to eat. There just weren’t as many fat Grandfathers with crispy skin. Many of the Grandmothers had become tough and chewy. Even the friendly Underwear Models, not wearing anything else, who normally tasted like ripe, juicy peaches covered in pistachio ice-cream, chocolate syrup, gummy bears and sprinkles, had gone to hide in the wilderness where they ate squirrels which caused them to taste like infected rats covered with worms dipped in the smelly, lumpy poop of old monkeys. Years before, the children had quickly eaten all the delicious Teachers so they wouldn’t have to go to school anymore. And did you ever wonder why there are not many Policemen, Firemen, or Farmers in the world now? Well, it’s because they were the tastiest people of all and so there are very few of them left.
The situation became desperate. The children were so hungry that they began eating the bad-tasting adults like Sewer Workers, Plumbers, Scientists, Lawyers, and Doctors. On really hungry days the children even had to eat the worst tasting adults of all: Congressmen, French People, Realtors, Insurance Salesmen and Bank Executives. No amount of seasoning or Tabasco sauce could improve their taste.
Something needed to be done! Children all over the world met secretly in clubhouses and basements and in hidey holes and barns. They exchanged emails and texts about what to do. After months of study, the children finally decided they should capture the best tasting adults and put them in large adult farms. And that’s just what the Zombie children did.
The strongest children rounded up the most delicious adults who were still young enough to have new babies, and they put them in comfortable organic farms in the countryside. The adults didn’t like it at first. But then they realized that the Zombie children fed them well and all they had to do was frolic around outside when the weather was nice and stay inside by warm fires in the winter, and eat and eat and get fat. Many adult friendships were formed among strangers, which the children permitted and even encouraged. All of a sudden, after months of this adult interaction, new babies were born everywhere and the Zombie children had to quickly build new hospitals, daycares, and bars and dance clubs.
At first it was difficult for the Zombie children and the adults to adjust to this new way of living. The Zombie children had to learn to build the adult farms and grow vegetables to feed the adults. The Zombie children realized that going to school was important so they could learn how to run the farms and account for all the expenses and do the planning and so many other important things. The adults had to learn to do what they were told, to not cause the Zombie children any trouble, and they began to want to stay healthy and fit with rippling abs and Brazilian waxes so they could have more babies. Adult coffee shops, gym memberships and tanning salons became very popular in the adult farm communities.
After many years of hardship and famine, the Zombie children’s lives got better and they prospered in their adult farming businesses. It was an exciting new world where starvation and hunger were unknown. The new babies grew into normal children who grew into adults who were then humanely slaughtered and eaten by the Zombie children. Many new recipes were developed and many new cookbooks were written by Zombie child-authors specializing in adult cuisine. Everyone was happy, even the people in the adult farms because they were content, had plenty of fresh air and exercise and were allowed to make as many new friends and babies as they could.
It was a new world filled with young, happy, prosperous Zombie children! And none of them were ever hungry again.