Monthly Archives: March 2011

You Did Ask: “Dave, is Nuclear Energy Safe?”

This is a very timely question, which is asked after every nuclear disaster. The simple answer must be that, yes, nuclear energy is safe because we keep producing it. But let’s look at this scientifically to understand precisely how it can be safe in the face of its history, which, at first glance, would lead one to believe it’s not safe simply because many people have been irradiated at Nagasaki, Hiroshima, Three Mile Island, Chernobyl, and The Incredible Hulk’s house.

The question of the safety of nuclear energy can be settled by understanding a simple scientific equation first discovered by Albert Newtongrahambellhawkingstein, the German scientist who also invented relativity, gravity, the telephone and wheelchairs.

Here is the self-explanatory equation:

Nuclear energy (good, because our officials told us so)
Earthquake (bad, because we live there)
Tsunami (very bad and difficult to spell)
Power outage (whatever, we’re used to it)
Failure of Electrically-powered Reactor Cooling System (ironic, isn’t it?)
Spent Nuclear Fuel Rods Overheating (very bad, because they are stored, uncontained, right next to the reactor. Whose stupid idea was that??!!)


Nuclear Fuel Meltdown (horrendous—like standing in a microwave oven without sunscreen)
Containment Vessel Breach (Only good if in Libya)
Radiation Poisoning (very bad: the whole earth becomes a microwave oven)
Human Life goes Extinct (except for a few surviving mutants: Judge Judy, Madonna, Cher, and the entire cast of “Ice Road Truckers”)
Roaches Rule the Earth (so what’s new?)
Pi (3.14159, because every scientific equation must have pi in it).

After about 10,000 years the mutants, who have survived underground mainly on roach stew, unfortunately breed and repopulate the earth. Humanity rises again and immediately gets a few engineering degrees and builds more nuclear reactors, and so the evolutionary process continues. In conclusion, we can see that nuclear energy is safe, and its continued use virtually guarantees the future improvement of erectile dysfunction medications.

You Did Ask: “Dave, What is the Purpose of your Blog?”

Many of you have begun sending in questions about my new blog “This Weak Snooze” that’s getting attention on internet sites like FacePlant, MyFace, LinkedUp, StokedUp, PalAround, and probably a bazillion porn servers in Russia.

It’s gratifying to learn of this interest in my writings. I’ve gotten comments from you via Kindles, Nooks, Crannies, iPads, Filbins, iPods, Gobstoppers, ReKindles, iToasters, iTweets, Honks, iToots and various other electronic media.

I’m happy to answer a few of your insightful questions here, and I may make this a regular feature of my blog.

Q: What does your blog title mean and how did you think of it?

A: I got the idea from a medieval text, which scholars think describes early newspaper columnists working in Mesopotamia and writing in the ancient Aramaic language. “This Weak Snooze” is a rough translation from a weekly periodical describing the humorous benefits of protein.

Q: What?

Q: What is your education background?

A: I grew up by candlelight studying Aramaic newspapers in Pennsylvania. Later I learned English by watching and mimicking television. I quickly learned such American idioms as

  • “Tell your doctor if you experience hair loss lasting more than four hours.”
  • “Flemametafin is not recommended for people over 6 who have frequent urination associated with liver biopsies.”
  • “I’m cuckoo for Coco Puffs!”

Q: How can you call yourself a writer?

A: Writing is simple, and anyone can do it. There are only 26 letters in the alphabet for gosh sakes, and you’ll rarely use q, z, x, v and j!

Q: Can you give us some other examples of your writing?

A: Sure. Here they are:

“While standing methodically in her underwear, Rudy became aware that the cat’s hind legs were jutting out of the garbage disposal.”

“Scientifically speaking, one can consider all the “known” galaxies to be part of “our” universe, while the as-yet “undiscovered” galaxies would be subject to a sort “of” conservation of the leftover, “unused” momentum.”

Q: Seriously, Dave, have you ever been published in a magazine, say “Writer’s Digest”, and won any kind of contest?

A: Well, yes, in that very magazine in the March 1998 edition there was a story contest and my entry won first place.  I wrote a complete short story in 75 words or less and each word had to be only one syllable.  The story tells the biblical tale of the expulsion from Eden with God as the director of a film documenting the event.  Here it is:

“Lights!” God said.  “And some beds, some booze and a dude!”  God saw it was cool.  “I need a good flick, and my boy needs a main squeeze.”  That noon over ribs, a star was born.  What a dish!  He said to them, “Know your parts?  Roll ’em!”  The two had some fruit, a romp and a smoke.  God saw it was bad.  “Cut!  Don’t call us; we’ll call you.”

Q: Wow, great!  What’s a syllable, anyway?

A:  It’s a part of speech where each word is broken up into its smallest parts, which are then recombined into other words in different galaxies to conserve momentum (see a previous answer).

Q:  Okay.  That’s what we thought.